Fort Drastic is a loose-knit collective of assorted layabouts, ragamuffins, and the occasional hard-core felon. Collectively, we are 1 million years old, have won 3 Grammys, 6 Oscars, and are currently on trial for 17 counts of pathological lying.

We are writers, artists, musicians, sketch comedians and Monday morning coaches. We also occasionally sit backwards on toilets.

We are here for one reason: to entertain you.

On those Monday mornings, when a while week of work stretches out in front of you, we are there.

In those minutes before the end of work, when you’re just watching the clock tick by, we are there.

During that state-mandated 15 minute break, we are there.

While you wait for that winning lottery ticket/call from the casting director-agent/baseball coach, we are there.

We are here to entertain. Anything less results in public flogging outside of the fictional FD building, located behind your house. We are your wet nurse, your correspondence course, your pen pal from another country.* We are here to give you something interesting to look at while you wait for your boring job to end.

We are here to entertain. And we want you to join us.
Send us a review. Of anything you like. Make it between 250 and 500 words. Or write an original column. It doesn’t have to be funny, but funny is good. Make it between 500 and 1500 words. Whatever you do, SPELLCHECK YOUR SHIT and have somebody else read it before you send it in. A crazy manifesto is much less credible when it’s chock full of misspellings.

E-mail your submission as an attached Word document to the address below. Even if we don’t like it, we’ll get back to you. Write us if you have questions. And enjoy your Internet loafing.

*Pen pal offer only valid if you reside outside of the U.S.

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Fort Drastic is:

Mike Condrick (aka Emkon)
Mike’s chief export is shame. Drawing on vast reserves of self-loathing mined during his time as a childhood pariah, he churns out tales of personal lameness that double as failed catharsis. Mike also enjoys music, novelty foods, movies, video games (obviously), and his scrappy lil’ sketch comedy group, Party Central USA.
mcondrick@fortdrastic.com

Matthew Dichter (aka Mandeckah)
It is said that Matthew was born and raised in Southern California to two doting parents. Allegations have surfaced, however, that he is the byproduct of a United Nations experiment to see what a human would look like if the entire human race did indeed start procreating until there were no more races left.
mdichter@fortdrastic.com

Jeremy Dunn (aka Jabberjaw)
Jeremy has a hard time coping with reality. He’s much more fond of interesting things…like the Future. Therefore, every weekend, and sometimes during the week, he tests the physical fortitude of not only his liver, but his lungs as well - by drinking anything “on the rocks” and riding bicycles.
jdunn@fortdrastic.com

Katherine Fearghas (aka Eager Beaver) Katherine has spent her entire life trying to rollerskate, with no success. She enjoys the company of crazy people who threaten her with nuclear robot death. Having recently transcended her seventh chakra, she has complete knowledge of all things (except rollerskating).
kfearghas@fortdrastic.com

Hal Horowitz (aka Halified)
Halified was born on a small farm in Johnsonville, Kentucky where he was raised by chickens. He now resides in Brooklyn, New York with his ex-wife Patsy and their former children Curtis and Boo Boo.
hhorowitz@fortdrastic.com

Andrew Kueneman (aka Buss Russle)
Andrew was raised by wolves. I know, I know, you’ve heard this many a time, but really, wolves. He can sniff things, claw in the dirt, and run using both his hands and legs. We have to force him to wear clothes. He’s got long whiskers coming out from his nose. He pees with one leg up. And he is a vicious predator. Do not, DO NOT, show fear in front of him. For he sees you as food, and he is ALWAYS HUNGRY.
akueneman@fortdrastic.com

Pete Lambusta (aka Frank Castle)
DSS found Pete as an infant in a garage suckling a fuel line that was dangling from a 350 small block. He communicates only through very low frequencies, able to summon machinery into doing his dirty work. While others don’t “dig on swine,” Pete has been known to have a standard two dinners consisting of hot dogs stacked like lincoln logs. His mere presence is a crime deterrent but his charm and way with words will make you feel safe, right before he destroys you.
plambusta@fortdrastic.com

Danny Eagle
Dan learned early by delivering newspapers well into his late high school career that only hard work, done very steadily and slowly, punctuated by long rest, is what really gets things done. He has drawn his psuedo-religious theology from closely studying “Life Lessons” under a 70 year-old Iranian handyman, a lunatic in a donut costume and multiple episodes of This Old House Classics.
Greatest hits: Donuts Should Be Nice, Love Canal, Century

Jon Nettler (aka Netts)
Jonny Netts is a good kid with a heart of gold. Born in the rough-and-tumble streets of Columbia, Maryland, he now spends his evenings and weekends in the baby-rearing section of Brooklyn. Jonny currently gets paid to make existing conditions diagrams and conceptualize 1300-acre Chinese resort cities that will never get built. He’s got great eyes, good ball skill, natural slashing ability, and plenty of upside; a solid second rounder.
jnettler@fortdrastic.com

He-Bro
He-Bro was born, things went well for awhile, then there were some…a lot of mistakes, he coasted along for a while, then a few things got really bad, like that time on the mountain with that acid head and the…anyway, then things got really good, a few more mistakes, he got that job saving lives, learned some cool tricks, another mistake, learned from some mistakes, then made some new ones, is currently trying to keep his head down. He lives in Los Angeles, and is calling you, from INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.

Jaysun
Jaysun grew up in the suburbs and was captured by hip-hop music at a young age. He doesn’t get down with people lacking simple manners. The gym is a place he’s never been but he exercises with his bike when the weather allows it. He’s nice to old people and does his best with the others. Jason’s heart is tremendous. Manners, he’s all about the manners.
jporter@fortdrastic.com

Allyson Carine
Allyson reigned supreme on the longest of isles throughout her formative years, mastering tap, ballet and jazz at Jan Martin’s dance school. Through a detour in Boston, she is back in NY, now a certified master. She is a juggernaut of knowledge on books, hip hop and yes, dancing.